I have a friend. Let’s call him Tim. Tim is one of those priceless, irreplaceable friends who can hate like nobody’s business. Let’s say you’re utterly fuming about some ass-hat who did something, in the scheme of life, pretty insignificant (upstreamed your cab, made out with your prospect, whatever). Tim is the kind of dude that—no explanation need, no holds barred, will jump straight on the hate train with you. I hate them? He hates them. We’re both pessimistic, cynical assholes, and our friendship is one big, beautiful ball of hatred and fury.
The other day, we were bitching about adulthood. Like, do we really have to make ourselves food every day for the rest of our lives? Such B.S., right? (Although, it’s a bit of a stretch for us: I solely subsist on Minute Rice, he on PB&J’s.) It quickly transitioned into how adulthood in general blows, and how we hate most of the people we’re surrounded by.
But Tim isn’t one for the intangibles. Instead of just a solid eyeroll and a muttered curse out, Tim is active in his hatred. He started documenting all of the people he comes across who fill him with disgust. I was hooked.
The criteria for making the list is both concise and foolproof: Any time you see something that makes you say, “Damn it, I hate that person,” you write it down, stat. So with some inspiration from my dear friend, along with my own internal rage, I began a list of people worthy of our hatred. The beauty of this list is both its everlasting appeal and its ability to grow forever. To begin, the first fifteen:
1. People who STILL can’t get their goddamn homophones straight. You’re, your. It’s, its. Compliment, complement. My meatheads, I’m looking at you. Take a grammar lesson.
2. The guy who makes an “oof” face when he gets on a crowded bus at rush hour. I’m sorry, what exactly did you expect, sir?
3. People who meal prep. The other day, I legitimately thought I left my apartment wearing only one shoe, so. Let’s get some perspective here.
4. Guys who wear running sneakers with jeans. Just get a pair of non-athletic sneakers. That’s all. (If you need any fashion advice, HMU.)
5. Girls who wear dresses and/or skirts when it’s below 40. There comes a point where you don’t look hot and stupid. You just look stupid.
6. Natural early risers. If you get out of bed before 9 a.m. with a smile on your face, you’re a psychopath, guaranteed.
7. The friend who posts a Snap story but won’t text you back. It’s the ultimate digital middle finger: “Yeah, I saw your text. Yeah, I’m ignoring you.”
8. People who are flakey. Why you gotta be such a piece of garbage? Huh?
9. Go-getters. Do me a favor and go get yourself the hell out of my face.
10. People who eat hot food on public transportation. Coffee and a protein bar? I’ll allow it. A tupperware of spaghetti? GTFO.
11. Guy Fieri. You know why.
12. People who don’t have student loans. Don’t you dare tell me you know what it means to be broke.
13. People who get way too invested in any sports game in an inappropriate public setting (stadiums not included). I know, you’d die for the Patriots. Please leave your explosive grunts in the bedroom.
14. That person who didn’t get slapped in the face (or thighs, or butt, or gut) with the post-college metabolism plunge. What are you, a robot? Just get fat like rest of us.
15. Any and every adult who has their shit together. I hate you, but I want to be you. Help? .
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