When Friday night rolls around, I—like all broke, degenerate, confused 20-somethings—am ready to go. Turn up the Spotify playlist and choke down some cheap alcohol. We are making a move.
I want a squad who is fired up, decisive, and unafraid. (Of what, you may ask? TBD.) There is zero room for negativity. Headache? Here’s an Advil. Tired? Here’s a Red Bull. Poor? Here’s a better bra—go get yourself some free drinks. The night is young, and I’m getting old, so don’t you dare bring me down.
But alas, I’ve had my fair share of Debby Downers. Whether it’s my own shitty friends, the friends of friends crew, or newfound strangers, there are Negative Nancys everywhere, just waiting to rain on my Trader Joe’s-wine fueled parade. Without further ado, the fifteen people guaranteed to ruin the party.
1. Friends who go out and then just stand in the corner on their phones. Hello, I came here to party. And by party, I mean dance like a well-intentioned white girl.
2. People constantly posting to social media. I remember my first Friday night.
3. People who are mean to bouncers/bartenders/waiters. They are serving you. With their hands. Why you gotta be such a dick about it?
4. The SHOTS friend. I tried to hang with that friend once, and said friend immediately threw up his shot into my shoes. $2 tequila for the win.
5. Girls who can’t hold their liquor. If you are yaking in the stall that I need to pee in, you best believe I will fight you.
6. Guys who can’t hold their liquor. Sorry, bebs. Boot ‘n’ rally stopped being cool when wearing boat shoes with mids did.
7. The lurker. He came alone, and he’s leaving alone—but not without trying. You think someone accidentally swiped your butt while passing you? Might want to reconsider.
8. The guy who is ready to fight. Why so angsty? Chill, brah.
9. The underagers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember those days. But I’m, like, old now. And I have to pay taxes. So if you could stop reminding me of my age, that’d be great.
10. The druggies. Can we not?
11. The mopey friend. I listened to your idiot boy problems all day (which are your fault, BTW). Let me live.
12. The friend who is too fired up. Let’s turn down the dial, dude. Give me a few drinks, give him a sedative, and I’ll meet you there.
13. The girlfriend who insists on walking home alone. You’re a moron, but you’re my moron. And I rather not feel responsible when you get kidnapped.
14. Sloppy strangers. Seriously, how many times are you going to ask me what I do for a living? I’m running out of lies.
15. The DJ who lies about the songs he has. I KNOW YOU HAVE SPACE JAM, CARLOS. I KNOW YOU DO. .
Image via Shutterstock