You probably graduated high school, went to a state school for four (or five) years, and moved to a new city to begin your career and new life. Some of us went back to our hometowns after college, but for those of you who ditched, you at least have Facebook to keep up with everything going on at home.
Instead of the typical “I am so excited to announce that I have accepted a position doing inside sales for a dirt-poor salary while throwing half of my income on overpriced rent in an up and coming Chicago neighborhood while living with some people I had a couple classes with in college!!!” status, the high school classmates back home may throw up something like this:
Hey y’all!!!!!! *five heart emojis* I need THREE lovely ladies who are looking for a new look for the winter!!! Need new color?! Maybe a new style for the holidays?! I would love to do it for you! Please help me out so I can graduate cosmetology school!!!!! Thanks babes *kiss emoji, heart emoji, 100 emoji, diva emoji, scissor emoji, cash emoji*
Let’s break down the jobs that everyone who’s left in your hometown has:
You know Brittany? Or Samantha. Or maybe Alexis. After she broke up with Justin she started a new life and learned how to cut hair. If she’s not involved in some heavy Facebook drama, she’s definitely finding out some gossip from all the ladies sitting in her chair each day.
2. Bank Teller
Because everyone wants to have a nine to five job where they can dress up and pretend they’re in an office, even if it’s really just a teller machine. If you haven’t seen them in a while, don’t worry, because they will still be there in thirty years.
3. Assistant Coach
The football team can always use some more help on the field! Why not substitute teach during the day and coach JV offensive linemen after school? That sounds like a fun job right?
4. Substitute Teacher
Why go to college for four years and do all that hard work and accumulate all that debt when you can just substitute teach for $100 a day? You can even hit on girls a couple years younger than you. It’s only bad if you act on it, at least that’s what you keep telling yourself.
5. Essential Oil Salesman
The clientele in the hometown will believe anything you tell them, so all you have to do is convince your Facebook friends that two drops of lavender and some peppermint will heal just about anything.
6. Makeup Salesman
“Girl come on over to my house this weekend for a free makeover!! Please! I want to win a pink Cadillac.”
7. Car Salesman
Minus the shitty hours, car sales actually wouldn’t be too bad of a job. I just ask that you please keep making the dealership where you work your middle name on Facebook, Bob ValleyHonda Jones.
I guess if you’re too old for the principal to be your sugar daddy anymore, then you might as well go down to the gentlemen’s club and prey on the rest of the degenerates in town. Just make sure you make enough money to support your two kids, because we all know their dads aren’t helping.
9. Some Made-Up Job At Mommy And Daddy’s Company With Some Fancy Fake Title
Suuuuuuuuure, you’re really the director of operations. Are you sure you don’t just sit at a desk starting Facebook political arguments while sharing Breitbart or HuffPo articles and waiting for your dad to yell at you to go get him lunch? That’s what I thought.
10. Heroin Dealer
That’s fucked up, man. You’re literally murdering people.
11. Personal Trainer
Please tell me more about meal prepping, your 30-day plan, how I can better myself with this one shake, random motivational quotes you found on Google, and how proud you are of your progress. I’m really interested.
12. Psycho Mom
I don’t mean the people that are actually a good stay-at-home mom. You’re the MVPs. I mean the girl who lives with her parents while raising her toddler because she doesn’t really feel like getting a job and her dad won’t kick her out. But she really wants you to think she’s great parent, so she has no chill in her Facebook updates about the toddler’s potty training progress or stool thickness. She probably offers great parenting advice and forces her baby girls to do pageants.
13. Waffle House Waitress
Thanks for dealing with me.
14. Gold Digger
Did you sabotage the local auctioneer’s marriage? Did you wiggle your way in as his new wife? Are you younger than his daughter? Congrats, you’re smart and lazy.
Because sharing your opinions on Facebook really makes a huge difference. .
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