Follow these recommendations closely and you will quickly become the least hated person in the office.
1. Courtesy flush when necessary. It only takes a second to assess the damage you’ve done.
2. Refill the Keurig with water. People need coffee immediately, you selfish prick.
3. If your coworker isn’t hitting her numbers, give her the number of your Adderall guy.
4. Do some research and learn how to make popcorn without burning it.
5. If you see your coworker walking toward you in the hallway, at least give him a head-nod. Maybe even mouth “hey” or smile or something.
6. If a coworker gets chewed out by the boss, see if he wants to grab a beer at Chili’s after work. Triple dippers go a long way.
7. When the guy who clearly doesn’t watch sports tries to participate in a sports conversation, humor him. Give him a courtesy “great point” or “hot take.”
8. Wash your hands, you sick bastard.
9. If your boss takes you to lunch, pull out your wallet to make it look like you’re actually considering paying. You aren’t, but your boss will never know.
10. If you’re sick, stay home. People have mortgages to worry about and they don’t need you in there spreading Bird Flu around.
11. When signing a birthday card for someone you’ve never met, write, “Can’t wait to meet you. HBD!” This person will respect your honesty, and it’ll be a good icebreaker if you ever actually meet this person.
12. Have a generic Top 40 station already set on your car radio dial in case you have to drive coworkers to lunch. It’s safe, and it eliminates that awkward station search as you try to pander to everyone’s taste.
13. If you’re stuck in nightmare traffic on your morning commute, fire out an email warning everyone to avoid the loop. Your day will suck enough as is, and you don’t need an office full of pissed off coworkers making it worse.
14. Stop reheating fish in the break room. A lot of people count on that break room to relax, and you can’t relax if it smells like 2-day-old farm-raised salmon.