Every now and then, something goes awry in your life and forces you to leave behind a portion of your electronic media kit at home. It could have been your headphones, your iPod charger, or maybe even your entire phone altogether — sometimes you have to make do with limited electronic usage throughout the work day. It’s tough, but you’re a cube warrior and I know you can bounce back. I’m not talking those days, however. I’m talking about the days where your wakeup alarm is blown through so badly that you spring out of bed (still in last night’s clothes) and sprint to the car, praying you’ll only be a cool seventy-five minutes late. It’s only when you go to change the song on your poorly installed aftermarket stereo deck that you realize your phone is nowhere in sight. You forgot the whole damn package! Fighting the urge to say “fuck it” and burn a personal day, you trudge onward with your commute knowing that today just got a hell of a lot harder. What the hell are you going to do for the next nine hours? I got your back.
1. Start pounding water. This increases your bathroom visits, as well as your drinking fountain visits. Toward the end of the day, you can start playing “How long can I hold it?” and “Can I beat my record?”
2. Draw mazes. By the time a couple sheets of printer paper get filled up, a half-hour has gone by. Find an equally bored coworker and amaze her.
3. Chronicle your sexual partners. Most of us have been sexually active for the better part of the last decade, and stats add up. It’s like filling out your own personal baseball card.
4. Try to list everyone you’ve made out with. If the aforementioned exercise doesn’t take you very long (you know who you are) try putting pen to paper regarding every single person you’ve kissed. If your mouth was open and your tongues touched, count it. Hopefully, this one should take quite a bit longer.
5. Paper football. Tried and true, you don’t even need a partner half the time. I still can’t remember if using staples during the folding process is cheating or not.
6. Compliment your married coworkers on their wedding rings. People love to talk about themselves, and I have yet to meet a woman who doesn’t enjoy retelling her proposal story. Just make sure you vary your compliments to prevent the conversation from getting stale.
7. Read your company handbook, cover to cover, and then read it again. Never hurts to freshen up on what you can and can’t do, as well as what you could potentially wiggle out of.
8. Business card paper airplanes. Or regular paper airplanes, but those attract too much attention. Be careful though. A business card paper airplane flies exactly like a dart. Try to avoid eyes and groins.
9. Write down a business plan. We all have that one idea that might actually make it with the right push behind it. Try actually putting pen to paper and see what happens. It’ll surprise you to see how attainable your goals are with time and effort.
10. Try to predict the shenanigans you’ll be getting into this weekend.
11. Take the longest lunch possible. Lie, cheat, or steal — do whatever you have to do. That extra half-hour makes 3:30 all the more manageable.
12. Clean your workspace. Whether you have a cubicle or an office, a board room or a break room, everyone notices cleanliness. Maybe your boss happens to walk by and notices you taking pride in your area. That’s not the worst thing that could happen.
13. Actually do your job. It’s only one day, and who knows? Today might be the day you impress somebody..
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