Leaving work every day beaten down by the daily grind of life can get to even the best of us. Fortunately, the fine American tradition of happy hour exists to give us the true bliss only a free man can experience. As the end of the week nears, bars get crowded after quitting time with folks looking to take advantage of cheap drinks and appetizers. Here are thirteen ways to dominate during the happiest of hours.
1. Right when you walk in the door, loosen your tie. It shows everyone that you mean business.
2. Roll up your sleeves right as you hit the bar. This is the universal sign that “Things are about to get ugly around here, and I’m going to be getting put in a cab within the next two hours.”
3. Pop a 20 dollar bill into the jukebox and announce your presence with authority. No one will be skipping your selections for the next hour and a half. Deal with it.
4. If you’re at Chili’s, anything less than the Triple Dipper is a bitch move. If you’re not at Chili’s, sampler platter or bust. This move shows everyone that you have a complete disregard for your health, at least for tonight, and will stop at nothing to enjoy yourself.
5. Really stare down rival company employees and condescendingly buy them drinks, as if to subtly say, “Hey, I heard your second quarter numbers weren’t too great. Have a drink on us.”
6. Buy a pack of cigs from the bar. Yeah, they’re marked up five bucks, but buying cigs at a gas station while sober isn’t the kind of look you’re down with.
7. Buy a round of shots for your happy hour crew. They’ll pretend that they don’t want them, but deep down, they really want to cut loose. You bring the fun.
8. Sloppily hit on older women at the bar. They haven’t received sexual attention since W’s first term and are as single as they come. If she’s married, no big deal either. She’ll be drunk off of your charm in addition to those six whiskey-sours.
9. Bump into someone’s table and spill their drinks all over the place. Apologize profusely, while trying not to slur too much. Buy them a round of shots as a gesture of goodwill.
10. If any of your friends try to bail early, call them a pussy and/or try to fight them.
11. Begin smoking cigarettes with strangers on the patio and ruin their conversations.
12. When closing out your tab, be sure to write your phone number on your receipt and make it barely legible for the moderately attractive bartender to read.
13. Vanish like a ghost in the night. Get in a cab and don’t tell any of your friends.