1. “Like” one of your ex’s Facebook photos from 2005 at four o’clock in the morning.
It’s late. You’re drunk, lonely and maybe a little depressed, so you decide to hit Facebook. Big mistake. They say alcohol is a depressant, but it’s nothing compared to cruising pics from spring break ’08 and realizing how much you loathe your current life. One thing leads to another, and you come across a picture of you and your ex on the beach. Suddenly forty-five minutes have passed, and you’re making your way through every single photo she’s ever been tagged in. You come across one of her in a particularly revealing nurse’s costume from Halloween 2005. Don’t do it! Don’t you do it! You did it, you moron. You “liked” the photo.
If there’s one way to ensure that every single one of your friends knows your sanity is slipping, it’s this. Not only is your ex getting a notification that your pathetic self is creeping on her photos from years ago, but that photo you liked is popping up on the News Feed of every single person you’re friends with. You’ve gone off the deep end, pal. I hope you brought floaties.
2. Use passive aggressive “sub-tweets” to attack anonymous persons that have wronged you.
Maybe your roommate Becky ate the last of the Blue Bell, and that really grinds your gears. Maintain composure. Breathe deep. Whatever you do, don’t tweet out an idiotic subliminal insult that only serves to remind everyone you’re fit for a straight jacket.
With the exception of Becky, nobody knows what the fuck you’re talking about. You’re basically screaming, “Someone has wronged me, and everyone needs to be made aware without actually receiving details!” Also, Becky is putting bleach in your shampoo as we speak. That’s what you get for acting like a bitter child.
3. Continue to shamelessly Instagram your food.
At this point, if you’re still photographing your food, you’ve got a problem. As an example, 2 Chainz has a fucking problem, and not just because he loves bad bitches. He lives his life like there haven’t been 2 billion jokes made about how lame it is to Instagram your plate. Cut that shit out. You’re not a Chinese citizen on vacation in Hawaii, so stop ruining the internet with pictures of your meals.
4. Post motivational quotes, or deep insights, in an attempt to show everyone how enlightened you are.
Now you’re a philosophizer? Posting stuff like this to convince your friends, or yourself, that you’re intellectually profound, is a terrible idea. You’re literally achieving the opposite of what you intend. For the love of God, keep this shit in your diary.
5. Send friend requests and/or creepy messages to attractive members of the opposite sex.
Let’s say you’re perusing the ol’ book of faces, when suddenly you come across a photo of your friend and her extremely attractive younger sister. You’re a weak man, so you click on this younger sister’s profile and get sucked down a rabbit hole of coed babes that are way out of your elderly league. It happens. Do not, under any circumstances, take it so far as to friend that younger sister, and then friend her hot friends. That would make you what the kids call “a Facebook creeper.” If you find yourself actually sending messages to these girls, it’s time to deactivate your account.
6. Use social media to push a pyramid scheme you’ve been sucked into.
You’ve been earning an extra $3,000 each month by sharing the miracle of AdvoCare with your loved ones?! Get the fuck out of here, you con artist. Do you think I’m some simpleton that you can scam with your internet trickery? Sure, you lost 10-pounds in 14 hours using those products, but your heart is going to explode at the age of 35.
I Advo-Don’t-Care what it is you’re selling, you’re clogging up my timeline. Get that pyramid scheme out of here.
7. “Like” a Facebook page dedicated to pictures of girls in yoga pants…
Some horny perv that I went to high school with does this, without fail, every week. Everyone can see all of this activity, so you might as well change your Facebook status to say, “I’m a sex addict and I need help.”
8. Double-tap a bunch of “models,” strippers, porn stars, etc. on Instagram.
We all know Instagram is awesome because you can follow Victoria’s Secret models, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, and that slut from college that thinks she’s a model, but you have to get a hold of yourself. You can’t just go around double-tapping pictures of scantily clad dimes all over Instagram for the same reason you can’t be in the “Hot Girls In Yoga Pants” Facebook group. Everyone, including your family, can see that shit, and it makes you look like a pervert, because you are a pervert.
9. Have over 500 profile pictures.
Everyone knows at least one girl with a profile picture addiction. How obsessed with yourself do you have to be to accumulate over 500? Facebook hasn’t been around long enough for that to be anywhere close to normal. Quit changing your profile picture every two days, you egomaniac.
And don’t change it to one you used three years ago just because you think you look super hawt in that particular photo. That’s called false advertising, and it’s illegal.
10. Post about extremely sensitive issues, such as Trayvon Martin, gay marriage, abortion, etc.
Just because you managed to graduate from college does not make you a political analyst. You’re not doing anyone any good by sharing your opinion on topics that are extremely polarizing. Everyone thinks you’re an obnoxious moron.