1. Having A Mentor Is Key
The walk of shame into postgrad employment can be a turbulent one. New wardrobe, new faces, new tasks to handle. And here’s the real scoop, there, Newbie: no one’s gonna hold your hand when you first walk through that door (presuming you haven’t stuck a penny in it). From day one, it’s big boy time. It does help, though, to find someone to look up to at work. Someone to show you the ropes. Someone to have your back. Just refrain from over-eager physical contact.
2. Sex Buddies Doesn’t Work
This isn’t undergrad, where all it took to engage in an adult game of Find The Saltine was some dimmed lights, a top 40 playlist, and a cheap handle of gasoline masquerading as vodka. You’re now a part of upstanding society. There are rules. You have to approach new people (while you’re probably both drunk). You have to take them out to dinner (where you can both get drunk). You have to buy gifts (which you probably ordered off Amazon while drunk). All that tomfoolery is not only encouraged, it’s expected, which makes raw, emotionless, no-strings-attached sex virtually impossible. Employment with bennies, in. Friends with bennies, out.
3. Your Dream Proposal Ain’t Happening
Sorry, ladies. I know you’ve been dreaming of this day since the day you first saw Lance Bass hip thrust his way into your teenage heart. But something will happen, totally unexpected, and nine out of ten times, it won’t even be the fault of the poor sap putting the ring on your finger (not that you won’t still blame him). From something relatively minor (your mom dying) to devastatingly major (your salad at dinner had three too many croutons), your night will be ruined.
4. Lawyers Are Sad Sacks And Poor
Enter law school young, fully-haired, and chock full of confidence. Graduate a broke, balding, shattered shell of a man who keeps only two things in his briefcase: a smiley face and a pistol (one’s for when you’re sad, the other’s for when you’re really sad). As a young attorney, you might not be shown respect by your boss, you might not get any vacation time off, and you certainly won’t be able to reverse your hairline, but at least there’ll be days where you can sit down and have a soda. It’s the little victories in life.
5. Alcohol Is The Answer To Depression
When life gets you down, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with becoming a booze-hounding hermit and binding yourself to your couch for days on end. There will not be any reprecussions, and your job (that you showed up to work for hammered) will still be waiting for you. So, drink up. Appletinis, barkeep! Easy on the ‘tini.
6. Drama Queens Make The Best Sex
Hot damn, I forgot how hot Tasty Coma Wife was. Girl might’ve been an eleven on the crazy scale, but holy shit. Wiser people than me have proclaimed, “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.” Malarkey. In the case of 99% of people not named “Jodi,” “Hooch,” or “Elliot,” the term crazy is completely subjective, and in the latter’s case, comes with an exceptional case of pancake butt. Drama queens (and….drama kings? Fireball Friars? Whatever the male equivalent is) are a handful, but in the sober and relatively stable postgrad world, finding a better, more passionate lay might be next to impossible. Just try to insure all your furniture, and steer clear from funeral home closets. Bad form.
7. The Staff Hates Higher-Ups
It’s always interesting seeing the change in behavior that occurs between low-level staff members when a higher-up enters the room. A pack of huddled, gossiping hyenas instantly transforms into starry-eyed puppies. Such an interesting dynamic going on. The higher-ups knowing that the help of the (typically) less educated staff is essential in order for the machine to remain well-oiled. The staff knowing full well that they’re replaceable. Class warfare is real people, and it’s uglier than a Westside Story-esque squareoff between a surgeon and a doc.
8. Nothing’s More Important Than Steak Night
Friends fall by the wayside over the years, even best friends. That’s why it’s so important to schedule annual outings with the old crew a few times a year. Trip to Vegas here, round of golf there. There’s just nothing better than getting the band back together, just to reminisce for the millionth time about the time Billy fell in the bonfire. No matter where life takes you, you and your friends need a steak night. You gotta eat it right.
9. You Need A Solid Core Of Friends To Survive
There’s nothin’ gay about it in my eyes. You might think you’re the only one who’s going through what you’re currently going through. That’s just not true, you selfish asshole. Each and every one of us is more or less going through the same thing. No one, no matter their love of Bahama Mamas, is an island. You can’t do it all on your own. You know you’re no Superman.
10. Hooch Is Crazy
But really, though. Hooch is crazy.