March Madness is about to begin. That means it’s time to tackle my full-fledged attempt to watch basketball for 12 hours a day while getting a little bit of work done between tip-offs. Thankfully, this is the social media age and there’s always Twitter to keep us wired into March Madness. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.
**DISCLAIMER: Some accounts are satirical, all are complete jokes.**
@FiveThirtyEight: If statistics really isn’t your thing, then move on down the line. A statistician’s wet dream, the Five Thirty Eight blog uses statistics to break down literally everything about life, especially sports. If you’ve filled out your bracket before reading their timeline, you should be ashamed of yourself for being so neglectful.
— FiveThirtyEight (@FiveThirtyEight) March 18, 2014
@TheFakeESPN and @NotSportsCenter: I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell you to follow these two, as we’re all grown adults here. But sure enough, as soon as I don’t, some Twitter follower extraordinaire will feel the need to remind me I missed them. I pray you’re a reasonably disciplined in the art of the parody follow by now, but just in case, keep up with the latest in tourney action with accounts that are most likely going to give your team, and the teams you despise most, a swift kick to the South region.
After 92-31 loss to Louisville, NCAA decides to help Rutgers by allowing them to expand their rim to size of hula hoop.
— The Fake ESPN (@TheFakeESPN) March 14, 2014
@DaggumRoy: A glimpse into the life of UNC “basketball coach…casina enthusiast…and gotdern winner” Roy Williams. The Tarheels haven’t made it past the Final Four since 2009, but you live your dream, Roy. He also enjoys himself a LaQuinta breakfast buffet.
I’ll tell ya right now, this LaKinta knows how to put out a daggum motel buffet. #LaQuintaInnsGreensbura
— Daggum Roy (@DaggumRoy) March 14, 2014
@SIPeteThamel: SI’s resident college hoops guy and smartass.
@SportsPickle: If you’re having trouble filling out your bracket, don’t you worry. SportsPickle’s got ya covered with this helpful flowchart. Oh, you’re a “use your middle name in hopes of sounding important” kind of pretentious? Go with Stephen F. Austin. Trust me.
— SportsPickle (@sportspickle) March 17, 2014
@WuShock: And here you thought you knew what a “shocker” was this whole time. WuShock is Wichita State’s “big, bad, muscle-bound bundle of wheat,” and the reason there will be quite a few sports fans holding up three very particular fingers. (LOL no, not sign language for “I love you.” Basically the complete opposite of that.) He’s also pretty narcissistic. But then again, most people who throw up the shocker kind of are. Makes sense.
As a rule, I always like to the be the prettiest person in the room, but tonight, I am gonna make an exception. pic.twitter.com/Xyw5xIczbF
— WuShock (@Wu_Shock) March 11, 2014
@JayBilas: Very real account. He’s a self-proclaimed “Bilastrator,” asshole, and poet who is completely unaware of how a haiku works. Most–if not all–of his tweets are usually Young Jeezy lyrics.
I paid too much. You play too much. Let my swag do the talkin’, I don’t say too much. I gotta go to work.
— Jay Bilas (@JayBilas) March 18, 2014
@kenpomeroy: He’s the numbers guy behind March Madness. The Pomeroy ranking system is highly respected, and he drops knowledge bombs all over Twitter 24/7.
Between the AE final and this game, hoping everyone got their jokes in about Albany’s uniforms. Let’s be mature adults for the Florida game.
— Ken Pomeroy (@kenpomeroy) March 19, 2014
@TomCrean: This is the verified account of the most loving coach in college basketball, Indiana head coach Tom Crean. He’ll have plenty of time to tweet the next couple weeks, as Indiana isn’t too good for December court rushes but definitely too good for the CBI. I just wouldn’t tweet at him if I were you:
Over the next few days and weeks we will tweet out our thoughts on the season and our off season. No need to reply. I don’t read it.
— Tom Crean (@TomCrean) March 17, 2014
Image via USA Today