Ladies and gentlemen, let me be frank (Ha, get it?): If you didn’t watch “House of Cards” on Netflix within the last year–or subscribe to Netflix to watch it or steal someone’s Netflix to watch it–you missed out on the greatest thing to grace American entertainment since this nation collectively wondered “Who Shot JR?” If you’re not planning on watching the Season Two premiere this Friday, you’re going to miss the single most important cultural event of 2014.
The Beatles fiftieth reunion? A bunch of celebrities honoring a couple of British geriatrics trying to play guitar? Pass.
The Winter Olympics in Sochi? Between reports of unfinished hotels, euthanized dogs, hours of unfettered Bob Costas lectures, and Putin being absolutely bat shit fucking crazy, plus whatever the hell luge is, I’m out. Give me the Olympics with the hot Beach Volleyball chicks, that smoking-hot dancing Australian hurdler, and Ryan Lochte and then we’ll talk.
FIFA World Cup? Great, another summer where every douchebag in America is going to pretend to like Soccer for two months.
No, no, no. “House of Cards” is going to be THE thing to watch this year, even bigger than Vatican Wars Episode IV: A New Pope. (Apologies to the Vatican, but there’s only room for one “Francis,” and Underwood wins every time.)
For those of us who will be watching, here are a few things you need to do to prepare for the big event:
1. Run out to the supermarket right now. Buy as much Red Bull and Oreos that you can carry. Be willing to kill and die for those delicious sandwich cookies.
2. While you’re there, buy some adult diapers. I recommend Depends. Unless you want to run the risk of someone spoiling the entire series for you, I recommend you start peeing yourself. Bathroom breaks are for the weak.
3. Call your cable company and complain until they give you faster internet. Pull a TFUM (Total Frank Underwood Move) and maneuver your way into the turbo Internet package. And hey, while you’re at it, make them give you free HBO. I hear that “Veep” show is okay.
4. Get a new couch or bed. Make sure that whatever you’re sitting on can withstand the gravitational force of your ass for 13 hours straight. I recommend getting a memory foam mattress or seating pad of some kind–this way, when you eventually get up and see the mold of your ass that you left behind (heh) it will eventually revert to its original shape.
5. Start cooking some ribs. Make Freddie proud by eating a massive slab of ribs before you pull off a power move like blackmailing a congressman or trading sex for power.
And speaking of sex…
6. Cancel your Valentine’s Day plans and dump your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you have a significant other who would rather make you get dressed up and go out for an overpriced, terrible dinner for a Hallmark-engineered holiday than hang out in sweats and veg out watching Netflix with you all day, it’s time to find yourself someone new. You need a Claire in the streets and a Zoe in the sheets, know what I mean?
7. Quit your job. Does your boss call you 24/7 with questions you’ve already answered? Are you attached to your BlackBerry? Can you not take a crap without getting 38 emails about nothing? Fudge ’em. Tell everyone to piss off and leave you alone, and they can shove their TPS reports where the sun don’t shine. You can beg to have your job back on Monday after you’ve already watched “House of Cards.” Or, pull a TFUM (See? I’m making it a thing.) and just sit down at your desk on Monday like nothing happened. Refuse to acknowledge your mistakes. That’s the American way.
8. Go off the grid: disconnect your phone, delete your Facebook, let Twitter go the way of Flappy Bird. Kevin Spacey, Robin Wright, Kate Mara, Beau Willimon, and the whole writing staff and crew made television perfection and handed it to you personally on your laptop. The least you can do is give it your undivided attention. The duckfaces in artsy filters will still be on Instagram right where you left them, I guarantee it.
9. Have your favorite delivery places on speed dial and leave your house key and money under your welcome mat so the delivery people can just leave the food and go. The only acceptable use of the Internet other than watching “House of Cards” is to order food. Failure is not an option here; this is war we’re talking about. You should be able to build a shrine to Kevin Spacey out of discarded takeout boxes.
10. Dim the lights, close the window shades, lock the door, turn on Netflix, and enjoy the show.