10 Things That Probably Won’t Happen In The Final Episodes Of Breaking Bad

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The final eight episodes of Breaking Bad begin airing one week from today on AMC, and anxiety-loving fans of the series can’t wait to see how things end up for Walter, Jesse, and company. Well, I’ve made some predictions. Some folks might call these predictions bold, ridiculous, or even stupid. Those folks are right.

1. Skyler White has a total personality makeover, and becomes the most likable character in the history of television.

2. Skinny Pete is hired as a software engineer at Apple and starts dating a Victoria’s Secret model.

3. Mike’s 10-year-old granddaughter, Kaylee Ehrmantraut, vows to avenge her Pop Pop’s death, and joins a CrossFit gym to harden her body in preparation for the inevitable showdown with Walt.

4. Ted Beneke becomes the Michael Jordan of wheelchair basketball.

5. Walt Jr. finds a misplaced baggie of his dad’s product, smokes it, and dies in a tragic breakfast fire after attempting to fry up some bacon and eggs while outrageously high on crystal meth.

6. Jesse Pinkman gives up curse words, and starts saying things like “Gosh dang it!” and “Fudge!”

7. Badger becomes a professional riverdancer.

8. Hank Schrader becomes a raging alcoholic, refusing to drink anything but his own microbrew, Schraderbräu. He is eventually terminated from the DEA, and his theories on Walt being Heisenberg are dismissed as the drunken musings of a man who lost his grip on reality.

9. Saul Goodman legally changes his name to “Carlos Danger” and flees to Puerto Rico.

10. Marie is caught shoplifting a very large, very black dildo from a sex shop, and becomes a lesbian in prison.

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