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10 Things Every Guy With Fantastic Fat Man Calves Knows

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Chicken legs are an unfortunate malady to be struck with. So is being genetically predisposed to weight gain (or so you tell yourself). Luckily, many guys with beer keg-sized torsos also sport a pair of legs that would make a Greek pottery painter cream his toga. You know who you are.

1. Pants will never fit you properly.

Even if your waistline is sizable, your legs are proportionally still bigger. So you’ll always be forced to choose between a loose waist to contour to your legs, or a fitted waist, and hope that walking up the stairs doesn’t explode the pant leg.

2. People assume you work out.

You really don’t need to. Hauling around all that weight upstairs on a daily basis is all the workout those getaway sticks need in order to look impressive.

3. They actually make you look like you’re in better shape than you are.

You might have the upper body of an average Ft. Lauderdale resident, but if you’re rocking the twin tree trunks down below, that somehow skews everyone’s vision of you. Sure, no one’s gonna mistake you for Joe Manganiello anytime soon, but it’s better than being a neckbeard.

4. Girls will ogle you.

I don’t know what it is, but if forearms are cleavage for the looking lady, then solid calves are the equivalent of a tight ass. Okay, maybe a tight ass is still the equivalent of a tight ass. Whatever. The point is, it’s something the ladies won’t be able to help but at least glance at as you walk away. So strut it.

5. You are impervious to leg injury.

Seriously, let one of those Muay Thai experts who practice kicking palm trees all day whack away at you for a little bit. They’ll probably get tired and quit fighting forever. Short of getting your leg caught between a charging bull and the front grill of a King Ranch F-350, you’re never breaking a leg in your life.

6. Skinny jeans are never an option.

Which is cool, because they’re stupid.

7. If there are any attractive ladies at the gym, it’s leg day.

Doesn’t matter what your routine is, if there’s a particular set of spandex you’re trying to impress, you’re dropping any semblance of plan, and going straight to lower body workouts. Might not get you a date, but it’ll sure as hell get you some lingering looks.

8. The shorter the inseam, the better you look.

It’s almost a rule that if you’re blessed with a genetically gifted lower body, you’re obligated to flaunt it. Contrary to popular belief, short shorts never went out of style. Just because you’re seeing more of them now doesn’t mean the cause was ever lost. Men of a certain leg have been carrying the tradition for years, and it is now your duty to continue it. Which leads me into…

9. You definitely need a tan.

You can’t sully your gift with pastiness. No matter how aesthetically perfect your walkabouts are, no one will care if they have the color consistency of canned biscuit dough.

10. You will lie to yourself that having well-defined legs is all you need to attract the ladies.

Our biggest asset is also our biggest curse. Our legs look so damn good, we occasionally forget to work on what’s upstairs. But that’s ok, because we’ve seen what kind of tail the older equivalents of us can pull, and we know our 30s will be awesome.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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