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10 Quotes About Sex Rewritten For Accuracy

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I’m just going to put it out there: I really dig talking about sex. I think that part of the fun of getting naked and weird with someone is being about to go home, crack open a bottle of Barefoot chardonnay, and talk about it with your best friend. You can exchange “It totally didn’t slip” stories or compare notes about how to deal with standing sex with a significant height difference; it’s awesome.

If you Google “sex quotes,” a ton of pages and articles come up, so I’d say I’m not alone. The thing I noticed when I started reading them, however, is that…well…they’re wrong. They aren’t honest. They paint sex as this magical, picturesque thing and while sometimes it is, more often then not it’s kind of just ridiculous.

If people would stop worrying about what everybody thinks of them for two seconds and be honest, I think the world would be a better place.

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – Marilyn Monroe

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. But it’s true that I was topless, eating shredded cheese out of the bag with my bare hands, and on my seventh hour of Orange Is The New Black while I was half-assedly sexting you.”

“Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. It ain’t over ’til you both get your cookie.” – Alec Baldwin

“Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. Probably an impulsive decision you made when you were a little drunk and feeling needy on a Wednesday night and it’s going to make you feel sick the next day because you have to take Plan B.”

“I don’t wear a whole lot of sweats to bed. I like to keep it fresh.” – Katy Perry

“I don’t wear a whole lot of sweats to bed. I wear one pair that I’ve had for like…7 years and only wash when I spill spaghetti sauce on them.”

“You have to be born a sex symbol. You don’t become one. If you’re born with it, you’ll have it even when you’re 100 years old.” – Sophia Loren

“You have to be born a sex symbol. And if you aren’t there’s always filters, photoshop, and plastic surgery to fix what society has told you to hate about yourself.”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” – Dorothy Parker

“If you wear a short enough skirt, you’ll just spend the whole night doing that awkward tugging it down dance and it’s hitting the floor the second you come home regardless of whether or not you’re getting some.”

“Baby all through the night I’ll make love to you…” – Boyz II Men

“Baby all through the night I’ll snore and hog the bed and I’ll be passive aggressive about you kicking me in the side the next morning.”

“To have her here in bed with me, breathing on me, her hair in my mouth — I count that something of a miracle.” – Henry Miller

“To have her here in bed with me, breathing on me, her hair in my mouth, my arm quickly falling asleep because she’s passed out on it…is kind of the exact reason why no one really likes cuddling as much as they say they do.”

“Sex is the question. ‘Yes’ is the answer.” – Swami X

“Sex is the question. ‘Not after this burrito bowl’ is the answer.”

“If someone has seen my vagina, I think it’s OK that I say hi and give him a hug hello.” – Khloe Kardashian

“If someone has seen my vagina, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to stalk his new girlfriend on Facebook and desperately ask my friends if she’s prettier than me.”

“Sex is like pizza. Even if it’s done bad, it’s still good.” – Mel Brooks

“Sometimes sex isn’t fun at all, you don’t sync up, you don’t finish, they refuse to go down on you for more than five seconds, and it’s terrible. But pizza? I can always count on pizza.”

Image via YouTube

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Kendra Syrdal

Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com

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