1. The one lady who is horribly racist.
I have no idea why this always seems to be a woman. She’s the one who probably has a BAC > .15 and spends the trip yelling at someone who she thinks is “not from here.” She often tries to include you in her rants, and if you do a good deed and ask her to shut up you’ll be on the receiving end.
2. The one who leaves a window seat free.
Picture this: the vehicle better represents a can of sardines, but there is one person sitting on the outside seat with no one next to them. You think they’re getting off at the next stop, but 20 minutes later they’re still there staring straight ahead.
It’s best to get on this one early and climb over them, ass in face and bumping them as much as possible. They’ll never crack though; they’ll just keep staring.
3. The one who smells horrible.
They either forgot to wear deodorant, choose not to, don’t bathe, something crawled up their arse and died, they’re eating fish, or are returning home from a particularly nasty bender. This person stinks. You’ll spend the entire journey exercising control of your gag reflex.
4. The one who listens to shitty music with shitty earphones.
If I can hear your music through your earphones, I want you to die. Invest in some quality earphones or turn it down. Your music always sucks.
5. The group who is wasted.
You were (or maybe still are) surely much better at this. You cleverly disguise wine in a water bottle and other patrons are probably none the wiser.
This group makes you think you weren’t as subtle as you first thought. While these guys are annoying, there’s enough entertainment from their drunken songs and conversations that it’s easy enough to laugh it off.
6. The one who is deathly hungover.
Yes! It isn’t me! Please don’t throw up anywhere near me. Recognizable by their grey complexion and the fact they are sitting on the ground or propped up barely. They will likely have a look of shame and smell like death.
7. The one who talks loudly on their phone.
I care very little for this stranger’s drama. These guys are always having some sort of crisis or domestic dispute, and feel that it should be shared with everyone within a 20 mile radius.
Just break up with Darrell. He sounds like a dick. Though, I guess there is a 90% chance he’ll be the only one to ever love you.
8. The one who must have pneumonia.
My god! Did someone just cough up a lung? Nope, but it sounds like it. The coughing is often coupled with loud snorting and questionable hygiene habits. Have the alcohol rub handy.
9. The one who forgot their meds.
I’m sorry crazy, I just said the bus driver would probably let you on if you paid for a ticket. No need to stand next to me for the entire journey threatening my life.
10. The one who treats the train/bus/subway like their personal bathroom.
This is just nasty. Not limited to: clipping fingernails, brushing hair, doing an entire face of makeup, flossing, spaying hairspray or deodorant and getting changed.