Within the next few months or years, all of us will have to make that very unimportant decision of whether or not to attend our ten year high school reunions. The thoracic surgeon who was picked on in high school will relish this moment and show up to rectify his adolescence, but the rest of us will just go to drink free beer and make fun of the thoracic surgeon for still looking like a bat. As the beer and the jokes about this nocturnal surgeon-bat sleeping upside down wrapped in his own wings flow, you will also distinctly recognize each of these ten people once again lurking around the hallways.
If you’re wondering why everyone on this list is a guy, it’s because I went to an all-male Catholic high school. Yeah, lots of dicks, whatever. It’s all one big dick joke until an alumni wins The Masters.
1. Obvious Pyramid Scheme Guy
This guy is probably the biggest piece of shit in the entire building, including that priest no one has ever felt comfortable around. This guy is douching it up all over Facebook, always in business casual with high-resolution photos. You think, “Man, this guy’s job is sweet. He’s never in the office.” After a few days of this, you dig a little deeper and find out he sells Herbalife or whateverthefuck the new blatant pyramid scheme is today. All of his posts are about how he and his “team” can help you “achieve your dreams,” and you flash back to The Office when Jim had to draw that pyramid around Michael’s new genius business idea for him to understand it was total bullshit. This guy is the worst.
2. Vague Job Description Guy
Similarly, vague job description guy is very active on social media. He’ll occasionally repost something about net neutrality or emerging third-world capital markets, but you have no damn clue what he actually does. After you talk to him, you’re not sure he knows either. At the end of your conversation, he tells you he’s in e-commerce and slips you a business card with his cell phone number only, no company, and a made-up title. Pretty sure this dickhead is a drug dealer.
3. Guy Who Had No Business Landing His Awesome Job
True story. This guy was always a pretty good, normal dude. You immediately begin to hate him when he tells you he works in venture capital for the guy who founded Redbox. You say, “Dude, didn’t you major in Biology or something and bomb the MCAT?” to which he replies, “Yeah, I just kinda fell into this.” Unbelievable. This guy’s killing it and he should be a fucking botanist at a third-tier state university.
4. Guy Who Married His High School Girlfriend
This is always a nice story. It’s refreshing to see the one couple who actually dated in high school still together and not totally hating each other. And it wasn’t one of those weird “they took a break and got some strange in college then awkwardly reunited and got pregnant” things, either. No, this is the couple who believes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. To quote them, and Soundgarden, the grass is always greener where the dogs are shitting.
5. Guy Who Married His Shitty High School Girlfriend
This is the other side of the high school couple coin. This couple never really seemed to work, but somehow they’re still together almost ten years later. An unlikely pair, it all started when she gave the guy a hander at the Sadie Hawkins’ after-party, and he just assumed that was as good as it could get. Forecast: anchor baby.
6. Guy Who Still Drives A Douchemobile
You have to respect this guy’s commitment – still rocking the 2005 Mustang with obnoxiously loud pipes. He shits on The Cardinal Rule of life that everyone but him learned in high school: no one looks good driving a Mustang. The lot is comprised of a respectable collection of Tahoe’s and Camry’s on down to Kia’s and then this abomination. This asshole should be embarrassed, but he obviously lacks that capability.
7. Failed Startup Guy
Gotta feel for this guy. Graduated top of the class, Stanford business school, entrepreneurship awards, everything. The world was this guy’s oyster, and he was gonna crack it wide open. He had several early offers to buy him out of his startup, but he was headed to the top and cordially spray-shit all over those minuscule offers. “Six figs, huh? You’re missing a couple zeros, pussy.” Turns out, he should’ve taken one, as he eventually ended up selling at a net loss and a waste of five years. Now he’s the smartest blacked-the-fuck-out dude at the entire event.
8. Overworked Grad School Guy Who Hates His Life
In true idiot fashion, this guy waited until he had a wife and two kids to turn off the income faucet and head to grad school. Since children, being burden that they are, need to eat, this guy still works way more than he should. You can see the stress of poverty and starvation in the bursting capillaries around his eyes and you offer to get his drinks at the bar later. He politely declines and says he has to get home and study. Poor bastard.
9. Former Athlete Now Clearly On Steroids
The guy who gave himself the nicknames “D-1” and “Diesel” in high school is now completely juiced out of his fucking mind. He played a few snaps as a reserve at Tulane before he blew out his knee, and he talks like he was The Boz getting trucked by Bo Jackson. He’s a part-time strength coach for the high school team, and you wonder how long it will be before he’s peddling HGH to kids after legitimate strength coaching doesn’t yield the results he’s used to. You must be polite and quickly walk away; the last thing you wanna do is set off his hair-trigger ‘roid-rage.
10. The Guy Who Failed Life
This guy is only here to make everyone else feel good about themselves. After a recent promotion preceded by a few rehab stints, this guy is now the assistant nightshift manager at Whataburger. You timidly ask what his feelings are on the proposed minimum wage increase and make some forced small talk. By the end of the night, talking to this guy will prove be the most lucrative networking you accomplished all night, as he vowed to “hook you up” with some free taquitos or maybe even some chicken strips if his boss isn’t watching. Worth it. .
Image via Shutterstock