It’s no secret that I’m exhaustingly single and will do just about anything to find a husband so I don’t have to die alone. Well, almost anything. Last week, I decided the most logical thing to do in the search for my better half was to join every free online dating service out there, and I immediately regretted that awful decision. Here’s a little review of the top five worst dating sites out there, followed by five honorable mentions. It’s safe to say that from here on out, I’m sticking to Tinder and Craigslist personals.
“Find Dates with Other Harry Potter Fans Today!”
About Me: Just another Bella lookin’ for her Edward. Wouldn’t that be magical? Haha, you can probably already tell that I’m super laid back and funny. My fave part from “Harry Potter and a Sorcerer’s Stone” is the part when they burn the witches at the stake. “I long for your bottom.” – Neville Longbottom
Review: I decided not to put the $9.97/month on my credit card to have my profile featured on the front page of the website because I do, in fact, have a little bit of debt dignity. C-manthe3rdwonder, my highest match, was one of three users to message me, address the apparently inaccurate bio I wrote, and share that he was personally offended by it. I responded to him and all of my other suitors with radical Bible quotes and my opinion on Gandalf’s mediocre acting in the third Harry Potter movie. I thought things were going swell until I got banned for “trolling.” Quite the sensitive bunch.
“Save a Horse, Date a Cowboy”
About Me: About me? Well, you see, I’m a young professional who can barely even support herself. I’m so poor, you could even say I’m broker than your back mountain. Husband hunting strictly; must enjoy 2Chainz and be willing to dabble in Zumba.
Review: Because I’m from D.C. and only pretend I’m from the deep south twice a year during summer country concerts, I was really optimistic about this dating website. I couldn’t wait to stumble upon Luke Bryan’s hot younger brother and have cyber children with his accent. After some casual perusing of potential matches, all I found were a ridiculous amount of atrocious attempts at the English language. Apparently the dick-measuring contest for cowboys is how many times you can call yourself a redneck in a single paragraph.
“There’s No Maximum Height for Love”
About Me: Some say I’m that really tall lady from that movie about a really tall lady who takes over a city, but others say I’m just really big boned. Everyone agrees that I definitely play volleyball. You must be a genetic jackpot. If real life is anything like “How I Met Your Mother,” you, my future lover, will most likely be from Minnesota. Willing to relocate there if I still like you after our third email exchange.
Review: I thought this website would be flooded with men who live up (literally, up) to my standards. Instead, it was overflowing with ogres who were “seeking a women [they] won’t break on the first date.” Every username on this site was a clear penis innuendo, whether the giants knew it or not. Actually, I can’t even call them giants because a majority of the men clocked in at or around 5’8”. However, I was impressed that by upgrading to a gold membership, you could narrow down your matches by ethnicity, get your very own personal case manager, and have access to a 24/7 professional support line. And that’s definitely necessary when you’re attempting to date Godzilla.
“Spread love like it’s an infection.”
About Me: I have follicular herpes, otherwise known as lice. I can’t wait to meet someone with whom I can share a laugh, a heart, and a hat with. Willing to trade pix. On second thought, I’ll just send them over.
Review: I really enjoy the business strategy of creating a community designed to ostracize the lepers in order to keep the rest of us healthy. The infectious love shared in this community through the message boards left me leaving this website with a case of Hepatitis B. People were not hesitant to spare a single detail. Personally, I want to learn the dirty details about my future husband in doses and not get smacked with them in the face like a glass door on an especially clear day. Sorry Music_Lover,,, but to answer your question, I don’t know exactly know where “here” is, but sweet baby Jesus, I hope it’s not where I am.
“The age-play community is for consenting adults who are interested in paraphilic infantilism. Please have an open mind.”
About Me: To the police officer currently reading this: I’m only making this profile for the sake of finding a wealthy adult husband. Please don’t put me on a pedophile list–that would look awful on my resume.
Best Match: They were all men posing provocatively in diapers that were definitely NSFW. Visit this site at your own risk, because many of the images can’t be unseen. I’m looking at you, PottyPants_and_Bows3491.
Review: I try to leave judgment to the Big Man upstairs, but it was impossible not to assume that every single user on this site was dropped on his or her head as a baby, leaving him or her mentally at that infantile age indefinitely. This dating frenzy, a sister site of www.dailydiapers.com, is honestly the creepiest website I have ever, ever, ever encountered. You have to click an agreement that you are at least 18 years old to enter, because the ad’s, like one called Messy Diapers, are all for adults-in-diapers porn. There’s even a section for erotic stories with titles alone that caused me to regurgitate everything in my system, such as “Carole Part 1 – A Family of Wetters and Strict Discipline.” In case that wasn’t enough, there are 21 total parts to the story.
Sites I didn’t actually sign up for:
“Life is short. Have an Affair.”
There is now a dating website for married people to have an affair. In order to make it discreet, they add the option to add a Mardi Gras mask over your profile picture because it will efficiently keep your identity a secret. Genius.
“Online Dating for Beautiful People Only!”
“Sick of dating websites filled with ugly, unattractive desperate fatsos? We are. Darwin Dating was created exclusively for beautiful, desirable people. Our strict rules and natural selection process ensures all our members have winning looks. Will you make the cut?”
“Where the Classy, Attractive, and Affluent Meet”
This one was designed for “sugar babes” to meet rich, older men and coast off their own looks and his money for the rest of their lives. As a testimony to its legitimacy, SugarDaddie.com prides itself on being featured in an episode of Dr. Phil. However, this site is saturated with old money, so if any of these other dating sites don’t work out for me, I’ll definitely be back. But then again, if you consider yourself a “sugar baby” and spell “daddy” with an “-ie” at the end, you are anything but classy.
“Smart is Sexy. Join the Ivy League of Dating.”
In order to become a member of this pretentious dating site, you need to send them a copy of your college diploma or another form of proof that you are a student, graduate, or professor at one of these distinguished universities. For some reason, there is “currently no charge for membership in Georgia, North Carolina, Oregon, Washington State, Texas, Florida and Canada,” which leaves one question: why the hell would they not make Canada pay if they’re looking for the elite? This business plan clearly failed because they suggest using Netscape 2.02 or AOL 3.0 Interactive Browser.
“I am Ye Bonnet Searching for Yer Beard”
What’s a Bonnet to do in a world full of Beards who only want her for her milk churning body? Turn to online dating, of course. Targeting a very select group of interweb-using Amish who I don’t think even exist, this site reaches literally nobody but is absolutely hilarious. Also, note the hyphens in the URL. Don’t think I’ve seen that since 1996.